‘Eyes are the window to the soul’ is a well known saying, articulating the idea that by looking into someone’s eyes you can tell their character and what their intentions are.
Human communication is highly sophisticated and whilst we are unique in the complexity of the language and words we use; it is recognised that non verbal communication (body language) is of paramount importance to being understood (getting your message across) and to understand others. It is critical to how we perceive another person’s feelings and attitudes.
Eye Contact is an Important Part of Non Verbal Communication.
The way we look at someone can communicate many things. We transmit our interest in that person and in what they are saying. We can instantly see if someone likes us or is hostile and potentially dangerous. We use eye contact to create a bond with others and to maintain the flow of conversation. We use it to assess the other person's continued interest and the authenticity of their response. Failure to make eye contact can be construed as inattentive, uninteresting, or rude. Whether it is subtle or direct, eye contact is of significant importance to human communication.
It is worth noting, however, that whilst direct eye contact is expected in Western culture, in other parts of the world it can be seen as disrespectful, aggressive, or hostile.
We all have to Learn to Read and Understand Others
From babies, we learn to interpret what others are thinking and feeling by recognising different facial expressions and signalling from the eyes. We do this through watching our parents and other people’s faces. We quickly learn if we can trust someone, how they are feeling, be it angry or sad or happy – with us and or others. We learn to understand these non verbal cues to guide our behaviour. Is it a yes or a no? Am I OK to do this or go there? Am I in trouble or not? Is this person a friend or a foe?
Whilst most of us instinctively learn this, for children on the autistic spectrum, some of these signs may not always be apparent or understood.
Eye Contact and Autism
Lack of the ability to make eye contact is often considered a defining feature of autism; however, this is not always true. Whilst many people on the spectrum find it difficult if not impossible to make eye contact, some do not.
Given this, should we spend time trying to get autistic people, who do not naturally make eye contact, to do so? Is it possible for those with autism to communicate effectively and successfully without making eye contact? What if we know that training someone with autism to make eye contact causes them pain and distress, would we or should we still insist on making them do it? These are questions that need our consideration.
When Eye Contact is Painful
“Because I feel like my eyes are on fire. The intensity and intimacy is overwhelming. My brain can’t process everything you are saying when I look at you. Eye contact makes me feel physically overwhelmed.”
-Fiona Tweedlie, ASD; Glasgow, Scotland
Due to a recent scientific discovery, it is now known that for many people with autism, avoiding eye contact isn't simply because they lack, the social and emotional skills, it is because making eye contact causes them distress.
The research, using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), has identified that the part of the brain responsible for helping newborns turn toward familiar faces is abnormally activated among those with ASD. This has shed light on why people with Autism find it difficult to and often actively avoid making eye contact - this over stimulation is unpleasant and distressful for them. This must clearly cause us to challenge the use of therapies that force eye contact. Whatever we do, should be for the benefit of the autistic person, not just the neurotypical people around them.
To Make Eye Contact or Not to Make Eye Contact, That is the Question?
Whilst it is true that many autistic people may be able to master eye contact over time, does this mean that we should ask them to do it?
People on the spectrum often state how hard it is to make eye contact and how distracting it can be to have to look at someone. Realising that it is expected, many force themselves to do it. However, when we understand that forcing eye contact is not only stressful but cannot be an indication of their capacity to listen, should we insist on it? Additionally, this forced response is known to impede the facility to listen and ergo to concentrate and understand. This must mean that if we allow them the freedom to communicate in a manner more comfortable to them, they will be more engaged and able to participate more effectively in social interactions.
Like every one of us, people on the spectrum are all unique, therefore, we cannot assume that one size will fit all. Consequently, how we approach this challenge must be to try to understand each person’s unique personality and needs and create a tailored solution. For parents, carers, partners, friends, family, teachers, and colleagues, the goal must be to find out what does and doesn’t work.
If the aim is for autistic people to communicate effectively, then clearly we should direct any support to whatever makes communication successful for them, not just for us.
One Size Does Not Fit All
Speaking as a parent with a young son, Samuel, who is on the spectrum, I have spent a lot of time researching the subject. As a parent, I want to do the best for Samuel and the key to this is making sure I understand what works for him, in order to make life comfortable for him as well as for those around him. Being a parent is not easy at the best of times, but when you have additional challenges, being armed with as much knowledge as possible is a must. I also have to accept that my research must be ongoing, because scientific knowledge about autism, is growing and changing all the time.
The common consensus is that people with autism should be given the opportunity to communicate in their own way. Asking them to ignore their feelings in order to make others happy is not only unfair but as already discussed in this article, is more often than not counterproductive. This means that it is incumbent upon me to find strategies to ensure I communicate with Samuel in ways that encourage his participation. I have learned over time what works and what doesn’t, depending upon the situation and his mood. For example, Samuel will pull my face in his direction when he wants me to focus on him entirely, so then I will say “look into my eyes” while he is talking - it's on his terms.
Success is About What’s Best for Them
Finding out what eye contact means for each autistic person is critical – does it help, or make it more difficult to pay attention and communicate?
To find out you might want to encourage your autistic child to take part in a ‘staring competition’ with siblings, with friends, or with you. See who blinks or looks away first. Ask your child how it felt doing this – was it easy? Was it difficult, if so, why? If it’s uncomfortable or impossible, then build strategies to help them identify methods of showing interest that work for them and for the neurotypical people they are communicating with. Given what we know, maybe the best strategy is to enable all people on the spectrum to let us know what works for them – we need to ask the question and respect the answer.
We know that some autistic people can make eye contact and some cannot. Many employ strategies like looking at the end of your nose, or between your eyes, or even at someone’s throat. They may scan their surroundings and rather than look directly at you, may choose to look from the corner of their sight. Some make fleeting contact and some stare out.
Many autistic people find it easier to listen and process auditory information when they don’t have to process visual information. As already stated, trying to force eye contact just to ‘appear normal’ can be exhausting, challenging, and even painful. Many autistic people avoid it for a reason, please respect this.
This is not to say that the child is not engaging or understanding if there is limited or no eye contact. People used to say to me that ‘Samuel was in his own world’, however, I knew otherwise. I knew that if you allowed him the time to explain what had just been said, he would repeat it word for word. He now chooses who he wants to have eye contact with and who does not.
Many parents of autistic children find that they may pay even less attention when asked for eye contact. Given this, it is best to look for alternative ways that will allow your child to express their interest.
Alternative ways or techniques if eye contact is stressful for your child could be:
Encourage them to tell it as it is, to let you (and others they communicate with) know how they feel. When people know and understand, they are more often than not accepting of the situation.
Some autistic people need to move around, often wandering away in the middle of a conversation. A strategy that might work is; if you suggest that your child face the person they are talking to but at a comfortable distance.
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